Etiquette at the Urinals.

1. Avoid prolonged eye contact with co-urinators and limit communication to a maximum of three words, “alright mate” is a suitable gesture. Anything more can precipitate piss anxiety or general discomfort.

2. When you have finished siphoning the python. Curtail the concluding shakedown to three flicks. Anything more can – and rightfully will– be interpreted as a wank. If you do make this schoolboy error, you should be prepared to deal with the consequences.

3. In the event that there are three or more unoccupied urinals. Always leave one urinal separating you and other toilet-goers. Under no condition must you stand next to others; there are exceptions to this rule.

4. Unless you splash on the Davidoff or take some chupa chups, you don’t owe the toilet attendant anything (unless you're Cheryl Cole, in which case - you owe them your life).

ILLUSTRATIONS: FERRY GOUW